Grateful for an Equinox Retreat

As some of you know a few weeks ago I was having a rough time. I had made the realization that I may lose my house with this separation and it was hitting me hard. In the midst of this horribly emotional week I received an e-mail from my dear friend Dom. She was going to hold an Autumn Retreat at her wonderful brainchild The Creative Wheel Centre. This was to be her first W.I.N. (Women In Nature) retreat, and was I interested. I was ecstatic to discover it was on a weekend that the boys were going to be at their Father's house. It was just what I needed.

So Saturday morning, I packed up my camping gear, and my bike, and headed to Creative Wheel to see what I might discover about myself with Dom as my guide. There were five women that were committed enough to brave the cold, dreary weather. That were committed enough to spend a weekend in an unheated building, with no electricity, or running indoor plumbing. That were committed enough to be honest with themselves about the stuff that they needed to explore.

We began the weekend by taking an oath of confidentiality in order to respect each other and make the retreat a safe place for everyone.(so I will only talk about my own experiences) We then moved on to breaking in Dom's new set of Medicine Cards. We passed them around, and each drew a card. When I drew my card two stuck together, and since it wasn't my first time drawing cards I knew that I should keep both. These cards were drawn with the intention of finding a guide for the duration of the weekend. The cards that I drew were the BUFFALO(prayer and abundance), and the LIZARD(dreams). These were very appropriate guides for my weekend since one of my main goals was to start the process of manifesting my dream clinic/retreat centre.

Later in the day on Saturday we were taken on a "shamanic journey" in order to discover our true spirit guide. This was a 20 minute process where we were lying comfortably on the floor while Dom drummed for us. We were guided to search for an "opening" to the underworld where we would meet at least on animal that would tell us if they were or were not our spirit guide. Unfortunately I was not able to find the opening to the underworld because I was constantly interrupted every time I set out on my journey by people in my life. I did not get frustrated about this, but decided to contemplate what it means. Which I am still doing.

That night I slept alone in my tent. I was totally dead to the world, which I didn't realize until the next morning when Dom asked if I heard her restart the fire at 3am. The answer was "no".

Sunday we spent the morning chatting by the fire, drinking coffee and eating wonderful oatmeal. The afternoon was spent hiking in the rain up the mountain. We did so quietly, paying attention to the Earth and taking MANY pictures, mostly of mushrooms. At the top of the mountain we had tea, and made a small fire where we drew another card while asking a question. We also made a small tobacco offering to thank the Universe for all that we have.

The question I asked at the top of the mountain was, How will I accomplish my goal of creating my centre? The guide I got was the Squirrel(gathering). This is the perfect guide for that particular journey.

The entire weekend offered me many ideas to think about. It also helped me towards a much more concrete idea of what I want my future to look like. I met some really very amazing women. Dom is hoping to hold a W.I.N. retreat in each season. I hope that I will be able to continue attending them. Dom hopes that I will become a co-facilitator with her. This is an exciting, and very frightening idea.

The weekend was EXACTLY what I needed. I am very grateful.

Simple Pleasures

One of the things that you need to do as a single person, well really any person, is find the pleasure in simple things. I find this helps me to remember who I REALLY am. My simple pleasures are just mine, they are very rarely created by my connections to others,. They are also experiential, usually something I can enjoy as a little moment in my day, not realted to a specific accomplishment. We all have our "public personnae", simple pleasures give us little breaks to re-connect with our true selves. Take some time this week and think about or even enjoy some of your simple pleasures.

Jennie's List of HER Simple Pleasures

• The first slice of cheese after the block has been grated (my tongue loves the feel of the ridges)
• The sound of a 2 year old laughing, there's no better sound in the world (this is the single reason I would give up my eyesight before my hearing, hands down)
• Hearing a song that takes me back to a WONDERFUL time in my life (there are many songs and times, I hear at least one of these a day)
• Eating a perfectly cooked potato (it must be very soft, like eating silk)
• Holding a baby that has curled up in a ball against my chest(E used to do this, arms pulled in tight, knees up to his chest)
• Driving a really amazing road, beautiful scenery, hilly, and curvy (the canyon roads North of LA are perfect examples)
• Drinking a TAZO soy chai, iced in summer, hot in winter (takes me to a happy place for at least 30 minutes)
• Getting into a freshly made bed, sheets preferably line-dried
• Feeling some truely lovely fibre, alpaca, marino, possum

These are just a few items, off the top of my head. You can tell looking at them that I am a audio and tactile person.

I would love to hear what some of your simple pleasures are, please share.

New Year's Resolutions

I know it isn't New Years yet, but hear me out. Last year I realized that to the people of the earth involved with school the beginning of the school year is the REAL New Year. This is the time of new beginnings for teachers, students, and parents. We've all had a long break, a break that throws our routines, schedules, and good/bad habits out of whack. Then along comes some arbitrary day, for most following Labor Day, and all of a sudden we need to find those routines and schedules again. I figure that while I'm at it, I might as well try and make some improvements along the way. That is why I have proclaimed the return of my kids to school as MY New Year.

I don't even remember what last year's "resolutions" were, I'm sure that I failed miserably as at this time last year I was full on miserable about the state of my marriage. I'm sure that just like I always do I resolved to be better at cleaning, lose weight, eat healthy, blah, blah, blah.

This year I need to do all of those normal resolutions that just about everyone seems to have, but this year I have some that are a bit more specific to me, or at least to my current situation.

#1. I resolve to have one day a week that is "YES Day". A day that as long as it isn't going to hurt anyone, and a couple things that need to get done happen I will say YES to my children and their requests of me and my time.

#2. I resolve to stay on top of the things I NEED to do. This is a relatively "common" resolution I know, but for me, this year, it will be an important one. For me it will mean proving to myself, and my Ex that I am capable of taking care of myself and my boys. In this category will be little things like staying on top of the housework, keeping up with bills, remembering the boys school "schedule", as well as bigger things like purging my house, and dealing with the lawyer right away. I'm realizing after putting it all into words, that ALL of that might be BIG things.

#3. I resolve to make sure that the people I Love feel Loved. I will make more effort to stay in touch with my family and friends. I will make more of an effort to remember and acknowledge birthdays. I will be as considerate and giving as I can be. My family in particular are very supportive and giving people, they deserve to know how much I appreciate them.

#4. I resolve to bring my expectations of my Ex down into line with the reality that I know. For some reason I have had this hope that my Ex would suddenly become "Super Dad" now that we are separated, and as such I have spent the past six months disappointed for my boys, and resentful. I now realize that it is wrong of me the expect him to be anything more than he always has been. I need to let that go so that I can be the MOTHER that my boys deserve.

#5. I resolve to enjoy life. I tend to be a thinker, researcher, and worrier. these things were all pretty good attributes when I was a teen with outgoing friends(I have always been a mother hen), but now as I get older I feel that it holds me back. I have never been impulsive, out going, or (most sadly) PASSIONATE. I will take some baby steps here, since spontaneity is a pretty big deal for me. I will make more effort to take advantage of opportunities that present themselves. I will also STOP thinking through the entire situation before deciding to go forward. I do not have a crystal ball, I cannot see how something will end, so why should I say no based on the outcome that my imagination created?

I'm confident that this "year" will bring many changes, many improvements. I hope that with this list to guide me I'll be one more step towards having it all "together". I am finally beginning to create a new life for myself and my boys, and I'm really excited to see where it takes us.

What are your New Years Resolutions?

Dream

My sister has a cute little name for me that I think she means in the nicest possible way. My little sister calls me a "new-age hippie freak". I have decided that I like this name. It does actually suit me.

I grew up and came of age in the Nineties, the "grunge" generation. I love my jeans, t-shirts, and army boots. I've had many different hair colours, and got my first tattoos and piercings at a relatively young age.
I was also raised in the country, by parents that were pretty self-sufficient. My father BUILT the house I grew up in, he was an angler, a hunter, and an artist. My mother is a gardener, a crafter, a cook, and a very energetic woman. I grew up eating food from our garden, from the lake at the cottage, and from the wild. I was blessed with an upbringing that very few of my generation got to experience.
I am also a massage therapist. The massage world has helped mould me into someone that is relatively spiritual, but not Christian. I believe in the "energy" of the world and all people and things that live in it. I have a distinct fondness for Birkenstocks and long skirts.
These are some of the things that have had an impact on creating the ME that I am. I think none of the above would be a surprise to anyone that has met me, I feel I really do live based on those influences. I am a pretty happy mess most of the time :)

I felt I needed to share that before I moved forward with my post, since those items have influenced the DREAM that I have.For some reason I feel like sharing it with you. This is a dream that I am pretty confident I will achieve. It is also a dream that causes me(along with MANY other things) to be reluctant to find a partner. I'm concerned that I would end up sacrificing my dream if someone else came into my life.

So what is this DREAM you ask? It really is a relatively simple dream, really a dream for a simple life as well.
I want to run a combination massage clinic/Yoga and Nia studio/artist retreat.

My home will be smallish, just big enough to fulfill the needs of myself, my family, and my business. I love the idea of a round home and have fallen for Mandala Homes How gorgeous are they?
My clinic will most likely be above my garage in an effort to have a small footprint. I currently plan to have two treatment rooms, an office, a reception area, and a Yoga/Nia studio. Depending on the space I may drop it down to just one treatment room. Hopefully the studio will have a large wall of mirrors that will overlook the pond.
I also intend to build a couple little cottages. these will be at the far end of the property so that they will be private. these will be the art studios. I would like to have one set up for conventional visual arts, and the other for more textile type arts. They will also have sleeping quarters and a small kitchen. I would like to have communal meals as much as possible.
I will also have a very extensive vegetable garden and a small orchard. Much of what we eat will come from the property.

I already have a piece of land. It is just under three acres. It is wooded and has a pond that takes up about one acre. All I need now is to get moving, simplify, cut back, and save.

I think that this would be an amazing way to live my life. It's what I will be working towards.

Social Life (or lack there of)

One of the things that I was NOT prepared for in my separation was a feeling of isolation. It has since come to my attention that I do not have a very large or diverse social network. I have always been one of those people that had a relatively small circle of friends, and for the most part MALE. That was in high school, pre-spouse. My Ex and I met in college, far from both our homes, and did very little to develop much social system while there. This trend continued when we moved to London, he had his "work friends", and I had my "mommy friends". And in case you are not yet seeing a pattern... when we moved to Ottawa I found "mommy friends", and since he was working from home had no friends.

So now I find myself with a small social circle comprised mostly of Married Mommies. These are women that I have met and become friends with because our kids are friends. They are nice, and friendly, and I'm happy to spend time with them while our kids play. They are however, superficial relationships. These are not women that I would call on a Saturday evening cause I need to get out of the house. Most of them would happily head out if given the opportunity, but I feel too guilty to make the call. I will not add to any relationship stress my friends may be experiencing. These are mothers of young kids, most of whom work, and have husbands that also work. Their weekends are precious. These are also friends on such a superficial level that NONE of them have asked if I need to get out, or tried to make plans with me.
My weekends with the boys are spent filling my days with family activities. I fill my evenings with watching movies or TV and trying not to feel lonely. My weekends without the boys are spent filling my days with errands and house and yard work. and I fill my evenings with watching movies and TV and trying not to feel lonely.

The thing that is making me completely frustrated with the entire lonely situation is that the EX now has a bustling friggin social life. The man that never made a single friend(except for my former besty that was the demise of our marriage) the entire 3 years we were in Ottawa before our separation, now has a large social circle. His social calendar is quite full. He has friends that are single for any of the 12 days out of 14 that he DOES NOT have the boys. He also has friends that are married or recently separated with kids for the 2 days out of 14 that he DOES have the boys.

So to recap, for 12 days every 2 weeks he is living the single life, free to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, with whomever he wants, and actually has people to fulfill all those options. Then on the couple days he does have some responsibility he still has people to do stuff with, especially now that he has a "lady friend" that will keep him company when the boys are asleep. I on the other hand, spend 12 days and nights every 2 weeks being Mommy. and than on the couple days and nights that I get to shirk responsibility(only to some degree since I got the dog), I don't have anyone to do anything with cause all my friends are proper grown ups.

I know that this all sounds very whiny, but this is how I feel at the moment. I have spent too many years apologizing for my feelings, that ends now. I do want to make sure that my friends that do read this know that I don't resent them, or feel upset or angry at them. I love you guys, and you have been supportive in every way you can be.

I guess I need to suck it up and start making some friends. I now know why every city has a "single parents activity group".

Fool In Love

The past two days have been spent in a mope, going through the motions, on the verge of tears. My heart aches, and there isn't a friggin thing I can do about it.

A year ago, when I was still married but knew we'd passed the point of no return, a guy from my past came back into my life. We spent a night out with all our friends from high school, with our partners(even though his was only a guise at that point). A couple days later we went out for coffee, just us. We shared the truths about our marriages. We comforted each others pain. We behaved ourselves at my request, even though I knew the EX didn't give me the same commitment. It was probably the most difficult night of my life. We continued to talk to each other, and support each other through our changing relationships.

As soon as I announced my separation what little walls there were fell down. We continued to share our feelings. We continued to support each other. We continued to admit things to each other that very few others knew. We also started to plan a get-together. We also started to be very sexual with each other.

Finally in May I was able to steal away for a weekend. It was wonderful, exactly what I needed. Everything clicked, we were happy and comfortable with each other. This really isn't that big a surprise since we've been friends for over 15 years. As soon as I left in May I wanted to plan my next trip. He forced me to hold off. It worked for 3 weeks, then I forced back and booked it anyway. I have just returned from that trip. I spent almost a week. Thanks to this trip I have firmly stumbled off the "casual" track.

From the beginning we have said that this would be casual. That neither of us is capable of truly giving it our all in a relationship. We live too far away from each other. We have too many other responsibilities. I have kids and he's not much of a family guy. We both need to figure out who we are exclusive of a relationship. Really, the sane reasons go on forever.

In the end the ultimate truth is...

THE HEART IS NOT SANE!!!

My heart ached as I watched him leave for work yesterday. It took everything I had not to cry as my plane lifted off later in the day. My eyes are pooling right now cause I haven't heard from him yet today. I feel ridiculous. I know better. I feel like a silly school girl. I also resent that I feel like this.

A good portion of the challenge is that I wish I knew if he was struggling with this as much as I am. Although I really don't know what difference it would make. It doesn't make wither of us any better equipped to be in a relationship. It doesn't move us closer to each other. As far as I can tell the only positive would be that I wasn't alone in my foolishness. Along side that would be a heaping dose of the reality that nothing is going to change that makes it less foolish.

I guess it all just makes me a fool in love.

Humiliation

My very good friend Jennifer
http://www.jakeandjen.blogspot.com/
has decided to take the plunge and commit whole-heartedly to dropping her "baby weight". She has chosen to go the route of the "30 day shred", a program marketed by Jillian Michaels the trainer from "the biggest loser". In this program you do a specific 20-30 minute workout EVERY day for 30 days. Jennifer has also decided to blog about her progress and has chosen to motivate herself by "humiliating" herself. To this end she has posted her measurement list as well as a short video of her "before" body.
My dear friend has inspired me, along with the many other things that have inspired me recently. So I have decided to join her on the PUBLIC quest for a new body. I will not be doing the "shred", but have chosen to follow the training program that Dominique Larocque has designed for me and my bike. I have also come to the realization that a very large quantity of the sugar that I consume must go. I began a Candida cleanse last week to aid with that but have found myself slipping in my commitment. I am re-committing and will begin the cleanse again tomorrow.

I have been struggling with my weight since very early in my college experience. The school that I went to had a very poor cafeteria, and since I lived in residence I didn't have much choice but to eat there. This was also a stressful time in my life, I was far from home(11 hour drive), I had no friends when I arrived(and found it difficult to make them), and my Father was vary ill with cancer(he passed 3 weeks after I got home from my first year). In the first 2 months at college I think I gained about 20 pounds, and they stuck, this is the same weight that I have been trying to loose ever since. On the plus side, 2 pregnancies in as many years did not cause me to gain any additional weight :)

I have chosen now to revamp my body since 1) I am now single again and need to take the time to look after myself for the benefit of my sanity and the well being of my relationship with my boys. 2) I have a new body that could use some further transforming(breast reduction in March). and 3)I need the satisfaction of actually completing something.

Ugh, The pictures are even more humiliating than I expected. I did commit to this and I will post them. I WILL LOOK GREAT SOON, I WILL LOOK GREAT SOON, I WILL LOOK GREAT SOON!
I think I will post my measurements first, might not be so painful.

Weight- 159 lbs

Arm- 31cm
Over Bust-94cm
Bust-98cm
Ribs-87cm
Waist-85.5cm
Hips-106cm
Thigh-61.5cm

BMI- 27.3 (mildly overweight)

You may have noticed that I have done my measurements in centimetres, I know it isn't standard, it however a smaller increment which gives me the "illusion" of faster results(in theory).

It would appear that my pics and Blogger are not cooperating. I promise that I will upload them at a later date. (can I get away with a simple before/after when I'm done?)

The Plan

One 90 minute ride/week
Two 60 minute ride with high intensity intervals/week
One 60 minute(at least) trail/mountain ride/week

Meal plan- cut sugar, no wheat, only one latte/chai per day, eat mainly veggies.

Goals- drop 10 lbs in 6 weeks and be in good enough shape to mountain bike in California in 6 weeks.

Here I Go!