Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Improving your Married Sexlife

The other night I went out for coffee with a great friend and discovered that she is struggling in her marriage again. She and her husband have had a few difficult times this year, but have continued to work through it. I won't get into all the intricacies for their issues, but one hit sort of close to home.

Hubby has a high sex drive, and Wifey(due to relationship issues) is having difficulty finding him attractive/desirable. I gave her my advice, and then went home and talked with the Guy about it and he added his male two cents.

So from these conversations here is our input on...

How To Improve Your Married Sex Life

For the Wives:

My therapist loved the line "Fake it till you make it", meaning sometimes you have to go through the motions until something becomes fun/pleasant/habit. This can be applied to sex. Sex gets better the more you have, your bodies actually release all kinds of happy hormones when you have sex. But sometimes you need to force yourself to have sex, even though you really want sleep.

Ladies, your guy wants you to initiate sex periodically. They want to feel wanted just as much as you do. They are tired of always being the one "nagging" for sex. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, how many times could you stand being told "no" before you gave up all together?

Get over the socialization that hundreds of years of religious prudes have created and just admit that you LIKE sex already. We all do, it feels great, it causes a closeness with our partners that nothing else can match, and it releases all those happy hormones. The whole world would be much happier if women would allow themselves to admit that they like sex.

Fantasize!!! This is closely connected to the previous item. Now that you have admitted that you like sex, it's time to figure out what your fantasies are. Cause I'm guessing they do not involve 20 minutes of giving your guy head and then playing with your clit in order to get off while he bangs the hell out of you. Although if it does that's great too. But this fantasy is about what YOU want, not what you think HE would like.

PLAY!!! We hold the power. We have the currency. Use it! Send your guy off to work with a dirty note in his pocket, send him numerous dirty texts through the day, if he has a smart phone send him a pic of his favourite part of your body. It's surprising how knowing that he's at work all turned on and frustrated for the entire day can really get your body going as well. Also, he will be very helpful with getting the evening routine done that night ;)

Tell them what you want! And then tell them when that has changed too. But in as gentle a way as possible. Men can be a bit dim. If he always does things the same way, it's probably because you ONCE said you liked it that way. Guys are more than happy to take direction, sometimes they take it too well :)

For The Husbands:

Your wife is TIRED!!! If you really want to make an impression really be a partner in the house. This means helping out with the day to day routines. If she cooked, maybe you can do the dishes. If she's doing bathtime with the baby, you could do homework with the older ones. These little things make a huge difference in how tired she will feel once the kids are in bed.

Woo her. I know at the beginning you had to do all the work to get her to notice you and ultimately fall in love with you. But that does NOT mean that you never have to try again once the ring is on her finger. I can guarantee that if you take her out for an evening doing something that you think she would enjoy (without her having to ask, or plan any of it) you'll get lucky.

Stop pawing at her. This one I cannot express strongly enough. Most of us love a nice touch, kiss, hug, or caress, keep them up. However, grabbing our boobs, with the kids in the room, while we are trying to cook or do dishes is NOT going to get you anywhere. I can promise you this. If you want to get laid, make us feel sexy, desirable, respected. Overt sexual touch at inappropriate times just makes us feel like a piece of meat, and there's nothing sexy about that.

Change things up a bit. Just because she said once that it was really nice when you spent 15 minutes worshipping her nipples, does not mean that she wants that ALL THE TIME. It was nice the first time, maybe even a few times after that, but it looses something when it becomes a formula. I know it's harsh, but she probably won't say anything, so I'm doing it for her.

For You BOTH:

TALK, TALK, TALK!!! You got married, you've dealt with sickness, money, in-laws, maybe pregnancy and babies, or the even more difficult issues of pregnancy challenges. You NEED to talk about sex too. I totally understand the challenge of talking about this stuff face to face, so give online chatting or texting a try. It's really amazing how much more comfortable you can be admitting your fantasies or concerns in writing.

Do some homework. There are hundreds of books, movies, websites dedicated to sex. Give some new ideas a try. Kit at BloggingDangerously has a slew of great couples sex homework. I particularly like the first in her Devoir series, you can find all of the series if you check out the archives link.

I hope that this helps some of you. I'm interested to hear what additions you might have as well. Hope you all have some great sex today, or at least make the first steps towards it.

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