Tuesday, December 7, 2010

I Guess I'm Doing Something Right

The other day the boys came home from their Dad's house and my youngest did something that makes my heart sing. Something that gives me faith that even though he might be a handful a lot of the time, in the end he will be a wonderful human being. And really that's what I consider to be my ultimate "job" as a parent.

While at their Dad's place the dog ate my eldest's duct tape wallet that he made at the After School Program. This is one of his special items, something that he's proud of and actually takes care of. It got eaten because his younger brother didn't hear him ask for it to be put away.

Yesterday morning(the youngest's birthday no less) Youngest was doing something in the dining room, and yelling at Eldest not to come in that he was doing something special. I went to investigate. Youngest was removing his own name from his duct tape wallet, and attempting to write his big brother's name in its place. I helped. When he was satisfied, Youngest went and happily presented the wallet to his older brother.

These little acts of kindness make me so proud as a mother. It was such a thoughtful gesture. The image of my two boys, sitting side by side on the step, in their pyjamas, hugging will be forever ingrained in my "photobank".

Monday, December 6, 2010

Thanks, But No Thanks

Last night I cancelled piano lessons for my son and myself. Rushing home from work, with the boys in tow, getting dinner cooked and eaten, and then inviting a stranger into my home for an hour starting at 5:30 was proving too stressful. I also work 2 evenings a week, and was having difficulty getting in piano practice time and homework, and all the other joys of daily living. All in all I just wasn't coping. I've come to terms with that, and am happy about my decision to cancel the classes. My son is only 7, there will be many more opportunities to expose him to music lessons.

I sent the piano teacher an e-mail, explaining that I was cancelling the lessons because I was having trouble making it all work. She e-mailed back saying that was fine, and that she was aware I was having trouble. Everything is fine, all parties are good.

Until this morning....

That would be when a new e-mail arrived from her in my inbox. In this e-mail she shared her experience of being a single mother, as well as other HEARTBREAKING experiences she has been dealt. She also stated that she had noticed how "stressed" I have been over the past few months of our lessons. She also offered her support should I need it. THEN....she also invited me to her community church, explaining that she would not have made it through her experiences had she not had the support of her church and God. That her relationship with God continues to be the only thing that gets her through her day to day life. Basically, that perhaps I would be less stressed and have a better perspective on life if I attended church and had a relationship with God.

I responded in a very diplomatic way, offering appreciation for her invitation but that I had a church that I grew up attending in the area and that should I choose to attend church I already have a community available.

However, Inside I was a little ticked. She does not know if I am already part of a church, however assumes since I am stressed out in my first year of being a single Mom I must not have a relationship with God. I'm still trying to figure out how having a relationship with God instantly makes everything better.

I was raised in a Christian family. Most Sundays I dressed in my pretty dress and tights and sat in the pew with my Mother and Sister. I sang in the children's choir, I went to Sunday School, I even read scripture when invited to during the Advent or Lent services. I even had the minister that I grew up listening to marry me 9 years ago. After all that I still have never felt a connection with God. Church for me has never been much more than a community looking for guidance from an invisible element that was created in a very long winded work of fiction long ago. I always enjoyed the "ceremony" of it all, and have fond memories of church growing up. I didn't hate it, I just didn't find any solace, strength, inspiration, or support from God.

In my pre-teens I started exploring spirituality. I have to be honest and say that I didn't go any further than neo-paganism, specifically Wicca.. However, I don't have a really strong need to settle with one organized religion. I find my spirituality in everything around me, I feel plenty supported, and even find guidance in my own way. I find comfort in celebrating the changes in the seasons. I find it stabilizing to look in the sky and be able to measure the progression of time by the size of the moon. I constantly receive guidance from the universe by paying attention to patterns that crop up in my day to day life. I find strength in seeing the resilience of nature, how plants and animals survive hash conditions and continue to grow and flourish. I get support from my large family and my great circle of friends. To me, this is what spirituality is, I don't need to congregate weekly to feel all these things.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Improving your Married Sexlife

The other night I went out for coffee with a great friend and discovered that she is struggling in her marriage again. She and her husband have had a few difficult times this year, but have continued to work through it. I won't get into all the intricacies for their issues, but one hit sort of close to home.

Hubby has a high sex drive, and Wifey(due to relationship issues) is having difficulty finding him attractive/desirable. I gave her my advice, and then went home and talked with the Guy about it and he added his male two cents.

So from these conversations here is our input on...

How To Improve Your Married Sex Life

For the Wives:

My therapist loved the line "Fake it till you make it", meaning sometimes you have to go through the motions until something becomes fun/pleasant/habit. This can be applied to sex. Sex gets better the more you have, your bodies actually release all kinds of happy hormones when you have sex. But sometimes you need to force yourself to have sex, even though you really want sleep.

Ladies, your guy wants you to initiate sex periodically. They want to feel wanted just as much as you do. They are tired of always being the one "nagging" for sex. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, how many times could you stand being told "no" before you gave up all together?

Get over the socialization that hundreds of years of religious prudes have created and just admit that you LIKE sex already. We all do, it feels great, it causes a closeness with our partners that nothing else can match, and it releases all those happy hormones. The whole world would be much happier if women would allow themselves to admit that they like sex.

Fantasize!!! This is closely connected to the previous item. Now that you have admitted that you like sex, it's time to figure out what your fantasies are. Cause I'm guessing they do not involve 20 minutes of giving your guy head and then playing with your clit in order to get off while he bangs the hell out of you. Although if it does that's great too. But this fantasy is about what YOU want, not what you think HE would like.

PLAY!!! We hold the power. We have the currency. Use it! Send your guy off to work with a dirty note in his pocket, send him numerous dirty texts through the day, if he has a smart phone send him a pic of his favourite part of your body. It's surprising how knowing that he's at work all turned on and frustrated for the entire day can really get your body going as well. Also, he will be very helpful with getting the evening routine done that night ;)

Tell them what you want! And then tell them when that has changed too. But in as gentle a way as possible. Men can be a bit dim. If he always does things the same way, it's probably because you ONCE said you liked it that way. Guys are more than happy to take direction, sometimes they take it too well :)

For The Husbands:

Your wife is TIRED!!! If you really want to make an impression really be a partner in the house. This means helping out with the day to day routines. If she cooked, maybe you can do the dishes. If she's doing bathtime with the baby, you could do homework with the older ones. These little things make a huge difference in how tired she will feel once the kids are in bed.

Woo her. I know at the beginning you had to do all the work to get her to notice you and ultimately fall in love with you. But that does NOT mean that you never have to try again once the ring is on her finger. I can guarantee that if you take her out for an evening doing something that you think she would enjoy (without her having to ask, or plan any of it) you'll get lucky.

Stop pawing at her. This one I cannot express strongly enough. Most of us love a nice touch, kiss, hug, or caress, keep them up. However, grabbing our boobs, with the kids in the room, while we are trying to cook or do dishes is NOT going to get you anywhere. I can promise you this. If you want to get laid, make us feel sexy, desirable, respected. Overt sexual touch at inappropriate times just makes us feel like a piece of meat, and there's nothing sexy about that.

Change things up a bit. Just because she said once that it was really nice when you spent 15 minutes worshipping her nipples, does not mean that she wants that ALL THE TIME. It was nice the first time, maybe even a few times after that, but it looses something when it becomes a formula. I know it's harsh, but she probably won't say anything, so I'm doing it for her.

For You BOTH:

TALK, TALK, TALK!!! You got married, you've dealt with sickness, money, in-laws, maybe pregnancy and babies, or the even more difficult issues of pregnancy challenges. You NEED to talk about sex too. I totally understand the challenge of talking about this stuff face to face, so give online chatting or texting a try. It's really amazing how much more comfortable you can be admitting your fantasies or concerns in writing.

Do some homework. There are hundreds of books, movies, websites dedicated to sex. Give some new ideas a try. Kit at BloggingDangerously has a slew of great couples sex homework. I particularly like the first in her Devoir series, you can find all of the series if you check out the archives link.

I hope that this helps some of you. I'm interested to hear what additions you might have as well. Hope you all have some great sex today, or at least make the first steps towards it.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

What If?

Today I went to "The Fair". If you grew up out here you would know the importance of the Fair. This is like our "Homecoming" weekend. Vacation time is booked around it, Babysitters are booked far in advance, and a safe estimate is that about 50% of every graduating class is in attendance. So given this information I should have expected that I might have bumped into this person, especially since he still lives in the community.

In every life there are people that you meet that have an impact on you. People that you have very strong feelings for. People that perhaps you pursue, or not, but for whatever reason things just don't work out. Maybe you are never single at the same time. Maybe one of you is going away to college. Maybe one of you has a child and an on again off again relationship with the other parent. Or maybe you give it a go and things just don't work out, but the feelings have always still been there.

This guy fits many of these scenarios in my life.

The interesting thing is that I've gotten a chance to talk with him a few times since we left High School, and every time I'm left with the realization of how different we have become. He truly was my best friend in high school. I saw him date many girls, he saw me date many guys. Some we approved of, others...not so much. I remember watching him "court" other girls with a maturity and romanticism that was very rare in a high school guy. The guys I dated never made that much effort. Other than the fact that we never really hooked up we seemed so alike, got along so well.

Now when he sees me he questions my hair styles. He questions why anyone would pierce anything, especially their face. He wonders why one would get a tattoo that can't be covered. These are topics that are covered in 5 minute, greet on the street conversations. I didn't think back then that he was that conservative, or judgmental.

This makes me wonder how I would have turned out if we had ended up together. Would I have also become conservative? Would I have also become judgmental? Would I feel like the true me was held back, stifled even? Am I the person that I am today because I have a strong personality and know who I am? Or am I the person I am today because I chose a different path and was influenced by the things that my Ex found to be attractive?

I also wonder if he has become the person he is because of the influence of his wife? Would I have been the stronger personality? Would I have stood up and fought his judgment? Justified my choices? Brought him more in line with MY values?

I really believe that every person we meet has the ability to have an impact on our lives. If we are willing to listen our views can be changed. We without a doubt are altered by every romantic relationship we are in. There is always a new SOMETHING that we are introduced to by a new partner. In an ideal world we come out more open-minded and well-rounded with every relationship and every conversation we have.

So far in my life I've only had 2 real "ones that got away". I'm currently getting a bit of a second chance with one, we seem to still be quite similar. The other one, obviously, our paths have turned us into quite different people.

Who do you "wonder" about? Have you gotten a second chance? If the chance presented itself, would you go for it?

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Grateful for an Equinox Retreat

As some of you know a few weeks ago I was having a rough time. I had made the realization that I may lose my house with this separation and it was hitting me hard. In the midst of this horribly emotional week I received an e-mail from my dear friend Dom. She was going to hold an Autumn Retreat at her wonderful brainchild The Creative Wheel Centre. This was to be her first W.I.N. (Women In Nature) retreat, and was I interested. I was ecstatic to discover it was on a weekend that the boys were going to be at their Father's house. It was just what I needed.

So Saturday morning, I packed up my camping gear, and my bike, and headed to Creative Wheel to see what I might discover about myself with Dom as my guide. There were five women that were committed enough to brave the cold, dreary weather. That were committed enough to spend a weekend in an unheated building, with no electricity, or running indoor plumbing. That were committed enough to be honest with themselves about the stuff that they needed to explore.

We began the weekend by taking an oath of confidentiality in order to respect each other and make the retreat a safe place for everyone.(so I will only talk about my own experiences) We then moved on to breaking in Dom's new set of Medicine Cards. We passed them around, and each drew a card. When I drew my card two stuck together, and since it wasn't my first time drawing cards I knew that I should keep both. These cards were drawn with the intention of finding a guide for the duration of the weekend. The cards that I drew were the BUFFALO(prayer and abundance), and the LIZARD(dreams). These were very appropriate guides for my weekend since one of my main goals was to start the process of manifesting my dream clinic/retreat centre.

Later in the day on Saturday we were taken on a "shamanic journey" in order to discover our true spirit guide. This was a 20 minute process where we were lying comfortably on the floor while Dom drummed for us. We were guided to search for an "opening" to the underworld where we would meet at least on animal that would tell us if they were or were not our spirit guide. Unfortunately I was not able to find the opening to the underworld because I was constantly interrupted every time I set out on my journey by people in my life. I did not get frustrated about this, but decided to contemplate what it means. Which I am still doing.

That night I slept alone in my tent. I was totally dead to the world, which I didn't realize until the next morning when Dom asked if I heard her restart the fire at 3am. The answer was "no".

Sunday we spent the morning chatting by the fire, drinking coffee and eating wonderful oatmeal. The afternoon was spent hiking in the rain up the mountain. We did so quietly, paying attention to the Earth and taking MANY pictures, mostly of mushrooms. At the top of the mountain we had tea, and made a small fire where we drew another card while asking a question. We also made a small tobacco offering to thank the Universe for all that we have.

The question I asked at the top of the mountain was, How will I accomplish my goal of creating my centre? The guide I got was the Squirrel(gathering). This is the perfect guide for that particular journey.

The entire weekend offered me many ideas to think about. It also helped me towards a much more concrete idea of what I want my future to look like. I met some really very amazing women. Dom is hoping to hold a W.I.N. retreat in each season. I hope that I will be able to continue attending them. Dom hopes that I will become a co-facilitator with her. This is an exciting, and very frightening idea.

The weekend was EXACTLY what I needed. I am very grateful.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Simple Pleasures

One of the things that you need to do as a single person, well really any person, is find the pleasure in simple things. I find this helps me to remember who I REALLY am. My simple pleasures are just mine, they are very rarely created by my connections to others,. They are also experiential, usually something I can enjoy as a little moment in my day, not realted to a specific accomplishment. We all have our "public personnae", simple pleasures give us little breaks to re-connect with our true selves. Take some time this week and think about or even enjoy some of your simple pleasures.

Jennie's List of HER Simple Pleasures

  • The first slice of cheese after the block has been grated (my tongue loves the feel of the ridges)
  • The sound of a 2 year old laughing, there's no better sound in the world (this is the single reason I would give up my eyesight before my hearing, hands down)
  • Hearing a song that takes me back to a WONDERFUL time in my life (there are many songs and times, I hear at least one of these a day)
  • Eating a perfectly cooked potato (it must be very soft, like eating silk)
  • Holding a baby that has curled up in a ball against my chest(E used to do this, arms pulled in tight, knees up to his chest)
  • Driving a really amazing road, beautiful scenery, hilly, and curvy (the canyon roads North of LA are perfect examples)
  • Drinking a TAZO soy chai, iced in summer, hot in winter (takes me to a happy place for at least 30 minutes)
  • Getting into a freshly made bed, sheets preferably line-dried
  • Feeling some truely lovely fibre, alpaca, marino, possum
These are just a few items, off the top of my head. You can tell looking at them that I am a audio and tactile person.

I would love to hear what some of your simple pleasures are, please share.

Monday, September 6, 2010

New Year's Resolutions

I know it isn't New Years yet, but hear me out. Last year I realized that to the people of the earth involved with school the beginning of the school year is the REAL New Year. This is the time of new beginnings for teachers, students, and parents. We've all had a long break, a break that throws our routines, schedules, and good/bad habits out of whack. Then along comes some arbitrary day, for most following Labor Day, and all of a sudden we need to find those routines and schedules again. I figure that while I'm at it, I might as well try and make some improvements along the way. That is why I have proclaimed the return of my kids to school as MY New Year.

I don't even remember what last year's "resolutions" were, I'm sure that I failed miserably as at this time last year I was full on miserable about the state of my marriage. I'm sure that just like I always do I resolved to be better at cleaning, lose weight, eat healthy, blah, blah, blah.

This year I need to do all of those normal resolutions that just about everyone seems to have, but this year I have some that are a bit more specific to me, or at least to my current situation.

#1. I resolve to have one day a week that is "YES Day". A day that as long as it isn't going to hurt anyone, and a couple things that need to get done happen I will say YES to my children and their requests of me and my time.

#2. I resolve to stay on top of the things I NEED to do. This is a relatively "common" resolution I know, but for me, this year, it will be an important one. For me it will mean proving to myself, and my Ex that I am capable of taking care of myself and my boys. In this category will be little things like staying on top of the housework, keeping up with bills, remembering the boys school "schedule", as well as bigger things like purging my house, and dealing with the lawyer right away. I'm realizing after putting it all into words, that ALL of that might be BIG things.

#3. I resolve to make sure that the people I Love feel Loved. I will make more effort to stay in touch with my family and friends. I will make more of an effort to remember and acknowledge birthdays. I will be as considerate and giving as I can be. My family in particular are very supportive and giving people, they deserve to know how much I appreciate them.

#4. I resolve to bring my expectations of my Ex down into line with the reality that I know. For some reason I have had this hope that my Ex would suddenly become "Super Dad" now that we are separated, and as such I have spent the past six months disappointed for my boys, and resentful. I now realize that it is wrong of me the expect him to be anything more than he always has been. I need to let that go so that I can be the MOTHER that my boys deserve.

#5. I resolve to enjoy life. I tend to be a thinker, researcher, and worrier. these things were all pretty good attributes when I was a teen with outgoing friends(I have always been a mother hen), but now as I get older I feel that it holds me back. I have never been impulsive, out going, or (most sadly) PASSIONATE. I will take some baby steps here, since spontaneity is a pretty big deal for me. I will make more effort to take advantage of opportunities that present themselves. I will also STOP thinking through the entire situation before deciding to go forward. I do not have a crystal ball, I cannot see how something will end, so why should I say no based on the outcome that my imagination created?

I'm confident that this "year" will bring many changes, many improvements. I hope that with this list to guide me I'll be one more step towards having it all "together". I am finally beginning to create a new life for myself and my boys, and I'm really excited to see where it takes us.

What are your New Years Resolutions?

Friday, September 3, 2010


My sister has a cute little name for me that I think she means in the nicest possible way. My little sister calls me a "new-age hippie freak". I have decided that I like this name. It does actually suit me.

I grew up and came of age in the Nineties, the "grunge" generation. I love my jeans, t-shirts, and army boots. I've had many different hair colours, and got my first tattoos and piercings at a relatively young age.
I was also raised in the country, by parents that were pretty self-sufficient. My father BUILT the house I grew up in, he was an angler, a hunter, and an artist. My mother is a gardener, a crafter, a cook, and a very energetic woman. I grew up eating food from our garden, from the lake at the cottage, and from the wild. I was blessed with an upbringing that very few of my generation got to experience.
I am also a massage therapist. The massage world has helped mould me into someone that is relatively spiritual, but not Christian. I believe in the "energy" of the world and all people and things that live in it. I have a distinct fondness for Birkenstocks and long skirts.
These are some of the things that have had an impact on creating the ME that I am. I think none of the above would be a surprise to anyone that has met me, I feel I really do live based on those influences. I am a pretty happy mess most of the time :)

I felt I needed to share that before I moved forward with my post, since those items have influenced the DREAM that I have.For some reason I feel like sharing it with you. This is a dream that I am pretty confident I will achieve. It is also a dream that causes me(along with MANY other things) to be reluctant to find a partner. I'm concerned that I would end up sacrificing my dream if someone else came into my life.

So what is this DREAM you ask? It really is a relatively simple dream, really a dream for a simple life as well.
I want to run a combination massage clinic/Yoga and Nia studio/artist retreat.

My home will be smallish, just big enough to fulfill the needs of myself, my family, and my business. I love the idea of a round home and have fallen for Mandala Homes How gorgeous are they?
My clinic will most likely be above my garage in an effort to have a small footprint. I currently plan to have two treatment rooms, an office, a reception area, and a Yoga/Nia studio. Depending on the space I may drop it down to just one treatment room. Hopefully the studio will have a large wall of mirrors that will overlook the pond.
I also intend to build a couple little cottages. these will be at the far end of the property so that they will be private. these will be the art studios. I would like to have one set up for conventional visual arts, and the other for more textile type arts. They will also have sleeping quarters and a small kitchen. I would like to have communal meals as much as possible.
I will also have a very extensive vegetable garden and a small orchard. Much of what we eat will come from the property.

I already have a piece of land. It is just under three acres. It is wooded and has a pond that takes up about one acre. All I need now is to get moving, simplify, cut back, and save.

I think that this would be an amazing way to live my life. It's what I will be working towards.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Social Life (or lack there of)

One of the things that I was NOT prepared for in my separation was a feeling of isolation. It has since come to my attention that I do not have a very large or diverse social network. I have always been one of those people that had a relatively small circle of friends, and for the most part MALE. That was in high school, pre-spouse. My Ex and I met in college, far from both our homes, and did very little to develop much social system while there. This trend continued when we moved to London, he had his "work friends", and I had my "mommy friends". And in case you are not yet seeing a pattern... when we moved to Ottawa I found "mommy friends", and since he was working from home had no friends.

So now I find myself with a small social circle comprised mostly of Married Mommies. These are women that I have met and become friends with because our kids are friends. They are nice, and friendly, and I'm happy to spend time with them while our kids play. They are however, superficial relationships. These are not women that I would call on a Saturday evening cause I need to get out of the house. Most of them would happily head out if given the opportunity, but I feel too guilty to make the call. I will not add to any relationship stress my friends may be experiencing. These are mothers of young kids, most of whom work, and have husbands that also work. Their weekends are precious. These are also friends on such a superficial level that NONE of them have asked if I need to get out, or tried to make plans with me.
My weekends with the boys are spent filling my days with family activities. I fill my evenings with watching movies or TV and trying not to feel lonely. My weekends without the boys are spent filling my days with errands and house and yard work. and I fill my evenings with watching movies and TV and trying not to feel lonely.

The thing that is making me completely frustrated with the entire lonely situation is that the EX now has a bustling friggin social life. The man that never made a single friend(except for my former besty that was the demise of our marriage) the entire 3 years we were in Ottawa before our separation, now has a large social circle. His social calendar is quite full. He has friends that are single for any of the 12 days out of 14 that he DOES NOT have the boys. He also has friends that are married or recently separated with kids for the 2 days out of 14 that he DOES have the boys.

So to recap, for 12 days every 2 weeks he is living the single life, free to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, with whomever he wants, and actually has people to fulfill all those options. Then on the couple days he does have some responsibility he still has people to do stuff with, especially now that he has a "lady friend" that will keep him company when the boys are asleep. I on the other hand, spend 12 days and nights every 2 weeks being Mommy. and than on the couple days and nights that I get to shirk responsibility(only to some degree since I got the dog), I don't have anyone to do anything with cause all my friends are proper grown ups.

I know that this all sounds very whiny, but this is how I feel at the moment. I have spent too many years apologizing for my feelings, that ends now. I do want to make sure that my friends that do read this know that I don't resent them, or feel upset or angry at them. I love you guys, and you have been supportive in every way you can be.

I guess I need to suck it up and start making some friends. I now know why every city has a "single parents activity group".

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Fool In Love

The past two days have been spent in a mope, going through the motions, on the verge of tears. My heart aches, and there isn't a friggin thing I can do about it.

A year ago, when I was still married but knew we'd passed the point of no return, a guy from my past came back into my life. We spent a night out with all our friends from high school, with our partners(even though his was only a guise at that point). A couple days later we went out for coffee, just us. We shared the truths about our marriages. We comforted each others pain. We behaved ourselves at my request, even though I knew the EX didn't give me the same commitment. It was probably the most difficult night of my life. We continued to talk to each other, and support each other through our changing relationships.

As soon as I announced my separation what little walls there were fell down. We continued to share our feelings. We continued to support each other. We continued to admit things to each other that very few others knew. We also started to plan a get-together. We also started to be very sexual with each other.

Finally in May I was able to steal away for a weekend. It was wonderful, exactly what I needed. Everything clicked, we were happy and comfortable with each other. This really isn't that big a surprise since we've been friends for over 15 years.
As soon as I left in May I wanted to plan my next trip. He forced me to hold off. It worked for 3 weeks, then I forced back and booked it anyway. I have just returned from that trip. I spent almost a week. Thanks to this trip I have firmly stumbled off the "casual" track.

From the beginning we have said that this would be casual. That neither of us is capable of truly giving it our all in a relationship. We live too far away from each other. We have too many other responsibilities. I have kids and he's not much of a family guy. We both need to figure out who we are exclusive of a relationship. Really, the sane reasons go on forever.

In the end the ultimate truth is...


My heart ached as I watched him leave for work yesterday. It took everything I had not to cry as my plane lifted off later in the day. My eyes are pooling right now cause I haven't heard from him yet today. I feel ridiculous. I know better. I feel like a silly school girl. I also resent that I feel like this.

A good portion of the challenge is that I wish I knew if he was struggling with this as much as I am. Although I really don't know what difference it would make. It doesn't make wither of us any better equipped to be in a relationship. It doesn't move us closer to each other. As far as I can tell the only positive would be that I wasn't alone in my foolishness. Along side that would be a heaping dose of the reality that nothing is going to change that makes it less foolish.

I guess it all just makes me a fool in love.

Sunday, June 13, 2010


My very good friend Jennifer
has decided to take the plunge and commit whole-heartedly to dropping her "baby weight". She has chosen to go the route of the "30 day shred", a program marketed by Jillian Michaels the trainer from "the biggest loser". In this program you do a specific 20-30 minute workout EVERY day for 30 days. Jennifer has also decided to blog about her progress and has chosen to motivate herself by "humiliating" herself. To this end she has posted her measurement list as well as a short video of her "before" body.
My dear friend has inspired me, along with the many other things that have inspired me recently. So I have decided to join her on the PUBLIC quest for a new body. I will not be doing the "shred", but have chosen to follow the training program that Dominique Larocque has designed for me and my bike. I have also come to the realization that a very large quantity of the sugar that I consume must go. I began a Candida cleanse last week to aid with that but have found myself slipping in my commitment. I am re-committing and will begin the cleanse again tomorrow.

I have been struggling with my weight since very early in my college experience. The school that I went to had a very poor cafeteria, and since I lived in residence I didn't have much choice but to eat there. This was also a stressful time in my life, I was far from home(11 hour drive), I had no friends when I arrived(and found it difficult to make them), and my Father was vary ill with cancer(he passed 3 weeks after I got home from my first year). In the first 2 months at college I think I gained about 20 pounds, and they stuck, this is the same weight that I have been trying to loose ever since. On the plus side, 2 pregnancies in as many years did not cause me to gain any additional weight :)

I have chosen now to revamp my body since 1) I am now single again and need to take the time to look after myself for the benefit of my sanity and the well being of my relationship with my boys. 2) I have a new body that could use some further transforming(breast reduction in March). and 3)I need the satisfaction of actually completing something.

Ugh, The pictures are even more humiliating than I expected. I did commit to this and I will post them. I WILL LOOK GREAT SOON, I WILL LOOK GREAT SOON, I WILL LOOK GREAT SOON!
I think I will post my measurements first, might not be so painful.

Weight- 159 lbs

Arm- 31cm
Over Bust-94cm

BMI- 27.3 (mildly overweight)

You may have noticed that I have done my measurements in centimetres, I know it isn't standard, it however a smaller increment which gives me the "illusion" of faster results(in theory).

It would appear that my pics and Blogger are not cooperating. I promise that I will upload them at a later date. (can I get away with a simple before/after when I'm done?)

The Plan

One 90 minute ride/week
Two 60 minute ride with high intensity intervals/week
One 60 minute(at least) trail/mountain ride/week

Meal plan- cut sugar, no wheat, only one latte/chai per day, eat mainly veggies.

Goals- drop 10 lbs in 6 weeks and be in good enough shape to mountain bike in California in 6 weeks.

Here I Go!

Thursday, June 10, 2010


On Saturday I finally fulfilled a desire that I have had for about 5 years. I have been wanting to learn to mountain bike. The first time I had this idea I was at a massage course at Blue Mountain resort in Collingwood. This particular weekend was in the spring and it was one of the training weekends for the local "Fly Gurlzz". It looked like so much fun seeing this group of strong, fearless women bomb down the side of a ski hill on bicycles. At the time I was pregnant with my second child, so that year was out of the question. Every year since then I have struggled with the idea of taking time way from my kids and my family on weekends to go mountain biking by myself. So needless to say this was a dream that went unfulfilled. Then suddenly this year the idea popped into my head again. The difference this year is that I do have "free" time. I have every other weekend that I can spend doing things that I want without the guilt that I am abandoning my familial responsibilities. So, a month ago I signed up for a beginner class for this past weekend. I am so glad that I did. I am also so glad that this opportunity came at this challenging time in my life. I am also so glad that I chose the instructor that I did.
My course was taken through LaRocca XC Mountain Bike School, at the Creative Wheel Centre. The owner and instructor is Dominique Larocque. She is one of the most inspiring women I have ever met and we hit it off instantly. She has built this centre literally with her bare hands out of dream that she had to have a safe haven for many types of therapy. She has created a bike trail system that is designed specifically for technical training. After 3 hours of one-on-one training with Dominique I had made it through a mere 4 trails, and I progressed faster than most beginners. This is not meant to be discouraging, only meant to demonstrate the time and effort that Dominique puts into providing high quality technical training even at a beginner level.

Now this is where the "inspiration" comes in. Dominique, this wonderful and caring woman, has built the centre from a dream. It continues to grow, and evolve as needs change and finances are available. It has been emotionally and physically challenging, but she has stuck it out. She is creating a place that makes her feel inspired and recharged in the hopes that others will find it that way too.

So what does that mean for me? I almost have too much buzzing around in me to even be able to figure that out. I'm a thinker, and a planner, not so much a "do-er".

Things I have Learned from Dominique

- Guilt is a waste of energy
- I do not start out "perfect"
- Dreams take time, and that's ok
- I am a STRONG woman
- I am "not normal"
- Dreams are organic, they move and grow, and adapt

Like I said, I'm not sure where all this inspiration will take me, but right now I'm excited and energized. I feel like I have moved many steps closer to living the life I dream of, the life that I can feel comfortable calling my own.

Sunday, May 2, 2010


I'm not even really sure where to start. I'm just a little blown away. Ok, deep breath.
Now I know that we aren't together any more. And that when I chose to separate that Lui would not be sitting around pining away for me. But COME ON!!!

So what's got my knickers all in a knot?

One of the first things that my oldest son told me when I asked him how the weekend was at Daddy's was....

"Daddy had a sleep over, I thought it was you, but it was someone else"

OK, so the gist of what I have gotten out of my 2 sons, without seeming too snoopy, is; Daddy had a girl sleep over on Saturday night, it seems she was not there when the boys went to sleep, they do not remember her name(they have no memory for names), she went to breakfast at the diner with them(their special Sunday morning routine), she's nice, they like her, and they don't have a problem with her being around.

All in all they don't seem to have been very phased by the whole thing. I guess that's good. I'm a little bit knocked off my feet still though.

I don't know how it is for other single moms, but I have made some "dating" guidelines for myself. Nothing all that out of control. Mostly to protect myself and my kids, from being hurt, and traumatized unnecessarily. Stupidly, I figured that others(the ex) might do the same. Apparently not!
So now I have to figure out if I make a big deal about it? Do I even bother to say anything? Do I even have a right to say anything?
I did not say anything yesterday. I think my window is kind of closed now. The only reason that I would choose to say anything at this point is to protect the boys. I don't like the idea of them being exposed to many random people. They are only at his place 2 nights every 2 weeks, I think he can find other times to "entertain".

I think that I'll let it go for now. maybe see if it happens again in the near future. See if it's the same woman next time. Somehow it's more of an issue if it's a different person. I don't really want the boys to see a revolving door of people going through Daddy's place.

OK, I think my rant is over. One day I'll have a rant-free post. A post about happy things. Not today though.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Tantrum of a Lifetime

On Saturday my youngest son, Dub, threw the largest tantrum of his life. And not just one of those at home tantrums that you can just lock a child in their room for a while to wait it out. Nope, a full on out in public, surrounded by people I will see every week tantrum.
This tantrum involved crying, screaming, hitting, kicking, high-pitched screeching, and many other embarrassing behaviours. The cause of all of this? I would not give him a quarter to buy yet more candy from the machine at the arena. In hindsight I'm not sure that I picked my battle appropriately, but I sure was committed to it.
I know that this was mostly just fall-out from the separation. That Dub really doesn't think that I'm the "worst Mommy ever!!!!", or wish that I would die. I'm not sure that it makes hearing these things any easier for any mother though.
So, how did I handle him? Very physically :)
He was literally thrown under my arm and carried out of the arena. Until he wiggled so much that I lost my grip on him. The I switched to cradling him in both arms, with him screaming, kicking, and hitting. I'm sure the other Lacrosse Moms think very highly of me.

Over the past couple months I have received many lessons in judgment. By that I mean, not judging others when you have no idea what their situation is. To an outsider, on Saturday my child looked like a spoiled brat, and I looked like a mother that picks her battles poorly and has no control over her children. Here is the reality. My son is 5 years old and this was the first public tantrum he has ever thrown. Our family is in the throws of the very large transition from a 2 parent household to 2 single-parent households. This was the first of "Mom's weekends", which means that this is the first time that the boys have gone more than a week without seeing Daddy. As a newly-single Mother I have the new reality of "living on a budget", this is a new concept for myself and for the boys. On Saturday all of these "realities" converged, leading to the tantrum of the century. Since it was only the second week of lacrosse, none of the parents know our "reality". I can only hope that they didn't judge too harshly.

After all of this, how did our day end? Pretty well actually. By the time we arrived home Dub had apologized. He then busied himself drawing a picture of the two of us in a heart, walking together across a bridge, over a heart river. We then went and rented a movie, ordered pizza, and cuddled up together on the couch for the rest of the day.

I love my boys, I just don't like them very much sometimes.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

This Is It

This is it. 3 days ago my husband signed the lease on his new apartment. The apartment that he will be living in, alone. After 8 years of marriage, and 5 years of dating before that we're done. We made this decision almost a month ago. Almost a month ago I moved to the spare room. Within the next week, after 12 years of living together, we will be living apart.

Why did we split? I have one close friend that is telling me to cite "irreconcilable differences". Why have people digging through your life? Why bring on the avalanche of questions that inevitably will come with the truth? Another close friend feels that I should disclose everything to many of the people closest to me. Why have people wondering why you separated? Why have people thinking that no effort was made? Why have people think that you don't have a legitimate reason? I trust both these friends wholeheartedly. I value both their opinions. And given they have both gone through divorce themselves I know that their opinions come from some experience. Right now I think I'll chose the route of least resistance, of least effort, and keep those details to myself.

So what details will I disclose?
  • We want different things in a relationship
  • Neither of us are able to bend on some of the deal-breakers
  • We both have spent too much time unhappy, and have too much life left to continue being unhappy
  • Neither of us turn to the other for support, strength, or inspiration
  • Our children are suffering because we are unhappy

We have spent the past year trying to put things back together. We spent the year before that denying there was anything wrong. And we spent the year before that really struggling and drifting apart. When all is said and done this has been a three year slide towards a separation.

This is where I find myself now. I'm 32 years old, with a house, two kids, two cats, a puppy, and very soon...single.