The past two days have been spent in a mope, going through the motions, on the verge of tears. My heart aches, and there isn't a friggin thing I can do about it.
A year ago, when I was still married but knew we'd passed the point of no return, a guy from my past came back into my life. We spent a night out with all our friends from high school, with our partners(even though his was only a guise at that point). A couple days later we went out for coffee, just us. We shared the truths about our marriages. We comforted each others pain. We behaved ourselves at my request, even though I knew the EX didn't give me the same commitment. It was probably the most difficult night of my life. We continued to talk to each other, and support each other through our changing relationships.
As soon as I announced my separation what little walls there were fell down. We continued to share our feelings. We continued to support each other. We continued to admit things to each other that very few others knew. We also started to plan a get-together. We also started to be very sexual with each other.
Finally in May I was able to steal away for a weekend. It was wonderful, exactly what I needed. Everything clicked, we were happy and comfortable with each other. This really isn't that big a surprise since we've been friends for over 15 years. As soon as I left in May I wanted to plan my next trip. He forced me to hold off. It worked for 3 weeks, then I forced back and booked it anyway. I have just returned from that trip. I spent almost a week. Thanks to this trip I have firmly stumbled off the "casual" track.
From the beginning we have said that this would be casual. That neither of us is capable of truly giving it our all in a relationship. We live too far away from each other. We have too many other responsibilities. I have kids and he's not much of a family guy. We both need to figure out who we are exclusive of a relationship. Really, the sane reasons go on forever.
In the end the ultimate truth is...
THE HEART IS NOT SANE!!!
My heart ached as I watched him leave for work yesterday. It took everything I had not to cry as my plane lifted off later in the day. My eyes are pooling right now cause I haven't heard from him yet today. I feel ridiculous. I know better. I feel like a silly school girl. I also resent that I feel like this.
A good portion of the challenge is that I wish I knew if he was struggling with this as much as I am. Although I really don't know what difference it would make. It doesn't make wither of us any better equipped to be in a relationship. It doesn't move us closer to each other. As far as I can tell the only positive would be that I wasn't alone in my foolishness. Along side that would be a heaping dose of the reality that nothing is going to change that makes it less foolish.
I guess it all just makes me a fool in love.