Saturday, August 7, 2010

Social Life (or lack there of)

One of the things that I was NOT prepared for in my separation was a feeling of isolation. It has since come to my attention that I do not have a very large or diverse social network. I have always been one of those people that had a relatively small circle of friends, and for the most part MALE. That was in high school, pre-spouse. My Ex and I met in college, far from both our homes, and did very little to develop much social system while there. This trend continued when we moved to London, he had his "work friends", and I had my "mommy friends". And in case you are not yet seeing a pattern... when we moved to Ottawa I found "mommy friends", and since he was working from home had no friends.

So now I find myself with a small social circle comprised mostly of Married Mommies. These are women that I have met and become friends with because our kids are friends. They are nice, and friendly, and I'm happy to spend time with them while our kids play. They are however, superficial relationships. These are not women that I would call on a Saturday evening cause I need to get out of the house. Most of them would happily head out if given the opportunity, but I feel too guilty to make the call. I will not add to any relationship stress my friends may be experiencing. These are mothers of young kids, most of whom work, and have husbands that also work. Their weekends are precious. These are also friends on such a superficial level that NONE of them have asked if I need to get out, or tried to make plans with me.
My weekends with the boys are spent filling my days with family activities. I fill my evenings with watching movies or TV and trying not to feel lonely. My weekends without the boys are spent filling my days with errands and house and yard work. and I fill my evenings with watching movies and TV and trying not to feel lonely.

The thing that is making me completely frustrated with the entire lonely situation is that the EX now has a bustling friggin social life. The man that never made a single friend(except for my former besty that was the demise of our marriage) the entire 3 years we were in Ottawa before our separation, now has a large social circle. His social calendar is quite full. He has friends that are single for any of the 12 days out of 14 that he DOES NOT have the boys. He also has friends that are married or recently separated with kids for the 2 days out of 14 that he DOES have the boys.

So to recap, for 12 days every 2 weeks he is living the single life, free to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, with whomever he wants, and actually has people to fulfill all those options. Then on the couple days he does have some responsibility he still has people to do stuff with, especially now that he has a "lady friend" that will keep him company when the boys are asleep. I on the other hand, spend 12 days and nights every 2 weeks being Mommy. and than on the couple days and nights that I get to shirk responsibility(only to some degree since I got the dog), I don't have anyone to do anything with cause all my friends are proper grown ups.

I know that this all sounds very whiny, but this is how I feel at the moment. I have spent too many years apologizing for my feelings, that ends now. I do want to make sure that my friends that do read this know that I don't resent them, or feel upset or angry at them. I love you guys, and you have been supportive in every way you can be.

I guess I need to suck it up and start making some friends. I now know why every city has a "single parents activity group".


  1. Whine away. Lord knows I do it enough. If you can't do it on your blog, where can you do it?

    I don't have very many married friends; I just can't relate to them anymore. I have single mum friends, but it's hard to align our schedules. And I do have single friends, but they have busy lives, not always able to carve out time for me and my wacky schedule.


    I need to catch up, I have no idea how long you've been separated....I've been separated going on 9 months now. What I realized is that I made my family my social circle. I rarely did stuff without all or some of them. So when I got single I realized that the past 7 years had whittled my friends circle down to other marrieds (sorry, I don't want to be around women gushing about their hubbys all the time now, I just don't) and a few other friends.

    Something that all this taught me is that when and if I ever get in another relationship, I need to keep a slice of life just for me, even if I don't feel like it. Even if I'm blissfully in love, I need to have me time, I need to keep friendships, I need to have some life of my own.

    I've been planning date nights with myself lately. Getting a movie, my favorite wine and food, getting my bed all clean and jammies all clean and putting it ON MY with me.

    I also got back into my passion, theatre, which is what I went to college for. Getting out and doing something you love has a way of introducing new friends.

    Anyways.........long story short, I feel ya. I'm only now getting a handle on it, and it's not always a firm hold thats for sure.