Saturday, August 7, 2010

Social Life (or lack there of)

One of the things that I was NOT prepared for in my separation was a feeling of isolation. It has since come to my attention that I do not have a very large or diverse social network. I have always been one of those people that had a relatively small circle of friends, and for the most part MALE. That was in high school, pre-spouse. My Ex and I met in college, far from both our homes, and did very little to develop much social system while there. This trend continued when we moved to London, he had his "work friends", and I had my "mommy friends". And in case you are not yet seeing a pattern... when we moved to Ottawa I found "mommy friends", and since he was working from home had no friends.

So now I find myself with a small social circle comprised mostly of Married Mommies. These are women that I have met and become friends with because our kids are friends. They are nice, and friendly, and I'm happy to spend time with them while our kids play. They are however, superficial relationships. These are not women that I would call on a Saturday evening cause I need to get out of the house. Most of them would happily head out if given the opportunity, but I feel too guilty to make the call. I will not add to any relationship stress my friends may be experiencing. These are mothers of young kids, most of whom work, and have husbands that also work. Their weekends are precious. These are also friends on such a superficial level that NONE of them have asked if I need to get out, or tried to make plans with me.
My weekends with the boys are spent filling my days with family activities. I fill my evenings with watching movies or TV and trying not to feel lonely. My weekends without the boys are spent filling my days with errands and house and yard work. and I fill my evenings with watching movies and TV and trying not to feel lonely.

The thing that is making me completely frustrated with the entire lonely situation is that the EX now has a bustling friggin social life. The man that never made a single friend(except for my former besty that was the demise of our marriage) the entire 3 years we were in Ottawa before our separation, now has a large social circle. His social calendar is quite full. He has friends that are single for any of the 12 days out of 14 that he DOES NOT have the boys. He also has friends that are married or recently separated with kids for the 2 days out of 14 that he DOES have the boys.

So to recap, for 12 days every 2 weeks he is living the single life, free to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, with whomever he wants, and actually has people to fulfill all those options. Then on the couple days he does have some responsibility he still has people to do stuff with, especially now that he has a "lady friend" that will keep him company when the boys are asleep. I on the other hand, spend 12 days and nights every 2 weeks being Mommy. and than on the couple days and nights that I get to shirk responsibility(only to some degree since I got the dog), I don't have anyone to do anything with cause all my friends are proper grown ups.

I know that this all sounds very whiny, but this is how I feel at the moment. I have spent too many years apologizing for my feelings, that ends now. I do want to make sure that my friends that do read this know that I don't resent them, or feel upset or angry at them. I love you guys, and you have been supportive in every way you can be.

I guess I need to suck it up and start making some friends. I now know why every city has a "single parents activity group".

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Fool In Love

The past two days have been spent in a mope, going through the motions, on the verge of tears. My heart aches, and there isn't a friggin thing I can do about it.

A year ago, when I was still married but knew we'd passed the point of no return, a guy from my past came back into my life. We spent a night out with all our friends from high school, with our partners(even though his was only a guise at that point). A couple days later we went out for coffee, just us. We shared the truths about our marriages. We comforted each others pain. We behaved ourselves at my request, even though I knew the EX didn't give me the same commitment. It was probably the most difficult night of my life. We continued to talk to each other, and support each other through our changing relationships.

As soon as I announced my separation what little walls there were fell down. We continued to share our feelings. We continued to support each other. We continued to admit things to each other that very few others knew. We also started to plan a get-together. We also started to be very sexual with each other.

Finally in May I was able to steal away for a weekend. It was wonderful, exactly what I needed. Everything clicked, we were happy and comfortable with each other. This really isn't that big a surprise since we've been friends for over 15 years.
As soon as I left in May I wanted to plan my next trip. He forced me to hold off. It worked for 3 weeks, then I forced back and booked it anyway. I have just returned from that trip. I spent almost a week. Thanks to this trip I have firmly stumbled off the "casual" track.

From the beginning we have said that this would be casual. That neither of us is capable of truly giving it our all in a relationship. We live too far away from each other. We have too many other responsibilities. I have kids and he's not much of a family guy. We both need to figure out who we are exclusive of a relationship. Really, the sane reasons go on forever.

In the end the ultimate truth is...


My heart ached as I watched him leave for work yesterday. It took everything I had not to cry as my plane lifted off later in the day. My eyes are pooling right now cause I haven't heard from him yet today. I feel ridiculous. I know better. I feel like a silly school girl. I also resent that I feel like this.

A good portion of the challenge is that I wish I knew if he was struggling with this as much as I am. Although I really don't know what difference it would make. It doesn't make wither of us any better equipped to be in a relationship. It doesn't move us closer to each other. As far as I can tell the only positive would be that I wasn't alone in my foolishness. Along side that would be a heaping dose of the reality that nothing is going to change that makes it less foolish.

I guess it all just makes me a fool in love.