Tuesday, November 15, 2011

"He's Just Not That Into You"

So there's this guy, he's one of the roommates of a very close friend. She thinks we would be a good match. He's attractive, and we seem to have fairly easy conversation, he flirts shamelessly, and we have even shared a moment or two. I decided a while ago that I wouldn't do the chasing on this one, if something happened it was great, but if not that's okay too. Last week I pushed that line a little and suggested that if he wasn't doing anything it might be nice to grab a drink or something. It turned out that he was busy, and that's fine, but at least there is now no question that I'm interested.

Later that night we had a chat online. We discussed our days, we flirted, and then it happened. He gave me the "You're really sweet and deserve a "relationship", but I'm still struggling to get my shit together so it would be leading you on to get involved since I can't really give myself to anyone until I've figured out my shit" line. I told him it was a good thing to spend some time figuring out your own shit, that I'm a big girl, and how about we just hang out periodically and see if it turns into anything more.

The next day I was talking to my friend about the chat and that's where she pointed out that he was just feeding me a "line". She suggested that my response was just leaving me open to being nothing more than a "booty call". And that made me think.

Is "I don't have my shit together" our generation's version of "It's not you, it's me"?

I think it is, or at least that's how I'm going to take it. I have lots of days that I don't feel like I've got it all together, but I'm not going to use it as an excuse to not date. As I understand it the point of dating is to hang out with someone that you think is interesting/attractive/amusing and over time get to know them and their baggage and ultimately come to the decision as to whether their baggage is a good match with your own baggage. If we are all staying solo until we each feel we've got our lives figured out then we are going to be a very lonely generation, not to mention a very self-absorbed generation.

Am I the only one experiencing this "line"? Are both guys and gals using it? Have you ever used it yourself?


  1. I was all set to go off on men and say "oh it's just a cop out men use". And I partially think it is. I think it's a cultural thing.......we expect less from me. It's ok for them to use that shit as a crutch and not actually DO anything about it. It's ok for men to always have that in their back pocket because we just don't expect better.

    On the other hand..........as I was thinking that, I realized I JUST used that same "line". And while it is something of a line, it's also partly true. I said it to a guy who I actually like a lot, but that chemistry is missing. But I like him and want to stay friends, and I don't want to hurt his feelings by just blowing him off.

    I don't have enough faith in men, though, that they'd be so sensitive. ;)

  2. I haven't put myself out there to know yet. But from other recently single, I find this is quite common. Sad, really.

  3. I don't know, but to me it sounds like a "it's not me, it's you" because if I was really into someone, I wouldn't go out of my way to push them away.

  4. Thanks for the input Julie, I originally took the comment at face value of him not really feeling confident that he had much to offer in a relationship. But then after talking to my friend, I realized I'm pretty awesome and I deserve to be chased or at the very least have a guy say "I think you're pretty cool and I'd like to get to know you better".

  5. Jennie: YES! You deserve the whole head over heels, can't get enough of you ... nothing less